Learn How To Play Golf

sweet_temptation asked:


The Laws Of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the
supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by
your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the
number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one
does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the
universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems
himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works
against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from
the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than
anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will
consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted
murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.”
Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one,
sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the
one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset.

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Frank Heyes asked:


The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

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Stick asked:


Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?”, he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. “Are you sure?”, the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?” The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

Well,” the friend asked, “What happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “This special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back, no problem.”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “You see, this ball is fluourescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

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Bagbalm Catdew asked:


A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!

The day before he’s to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, “What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

“I’m sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That’s what our golf balls cost.”

“Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!”

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Kezia asked:


1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
2. “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
3. “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
6. The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
7. A “gimmie” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… neither of whom can putt very well.
8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
9. Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
10. I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme” Putt, you might wish to reconsider this game.
12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve really reached it.
13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work and both are Expensive.
15. The best wood in most golfers’ bags is the pencil.
16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers … they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”
18. Swing easy. Hit hard.
19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf… it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

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terry w asked:


A woman decides that she has had enough of being a closet wife and discusses this with her friend. “What I’m going to do is take golf lessons, then challenge him to a game of golf and beat the f*cking crap out of him. Then he’ll have more respect for me”. She says. Her mate agreed, so off she went to the local golf club. After a few lessons things were not going right and the Golf Pro was getting a bit frustrated. She couldn’t hit the ball no matter how hard she tried. Eventually the Golf Pro said, “Look lady I know you’re trying really hard but the technique seems to be above your head, you can’t hold the club properly no matter how much time I spend instructing you. Try this, hold the club like you hold you old mans c*ck”. With this information she picked up the club and drove the ball 250 yards. The Golf Pro was amazed then said “That was fantastic, now take the club out of your mouth and we’ll try again”………

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Panos asked:


A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything
costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for
a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When
he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck.
His room is only a buck a day! The day before he’s to check
out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro
shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he’s checking out next morning, he looks at the
bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf
balls: $3, 000.00

Calling over to the manager, he asks, “What is this
all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and
you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?”

I’m sorry, sir, ” said the manager, “but
you didn’t read the fine print in our promotional brochure.
That’s what our golf balls cost.”
“Well, ” said the man, “if I wanted to
spend that kind of money, I could’ve gone to that luxury
hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars
a day for a room. At least I would’ve known what I was
paying for!”

“That’s right, sir, you could have, ”
said the manager. “Over there they get you by the room.
Over here we get you by the balls!”

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traceydavo07 asked:


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this”, said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wifes golf ball……stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!”

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BRIAN M asked:


A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says not bad. “Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife’s breasts”. The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says “Excellent!”

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro said, “Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husbands d*ck.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
The golf pro said, “Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and then hit the ball.”

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oddball asked:


Cow Tail
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.

He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”

That was the last thing he could remember

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